Under the skin

This morning I watched a woman unravel
her world-face picked apart at the seams, the inner oh-my-God spilling out
her mouth was sunken, as if in repudiation of the rawness streaming from it
her hair was untied
her eyes wild, and red, and tired beyond all things.

the cause of her travail,
the very, very small cause
was the largest thing in the world.
A 3-year-old boy.
"Cute as a button", commented one elderly observer drily, "but a holy terror, looks like".
Fine, blonde hair framed his sweet, inscrutable face, bright brown eyes set wide apart like gleaming river stones.
His Superman cape was flung askew over one shoulder, his track pants
stained with chocolate, dirt and some other undecipherable blue substance.
He was throwing a tantrum. No, he was hurling it
casting it into the winds of the shopping centre with abandon
"NOOOOOO!" he shrieked, his powerful, high-pitched voice cutting through the lower-voiced hum of the place.
"I WON'T, MUMMMY! MUMMMMMY! I DON' WANNA! MUMMMMY!"
His face was flushed with temper and injustice, his body trembling with resistance as his mother tried to move him, talking in a quiet, calm monotone to him.
He stood, he kicked, he cried out to the air. And then

he bit her

and she exploded.

The words were irrelevant
I don't recall them, even now
but the tone
the posture
the arch of the neck
all said

I
HAVE
HAD
ENOUGH
OF
THIS

and I felt profoundly
shockingly
connected to her
part of her
knowing without any doubt that I have felt what she felt
that only grace and luck has kept me from standing over a small tyrannical body and stripping down their defences with noise in order to restore my own
I felt like crying for her
for what she'll feel when the storm subsides
for the shock she'll have
the regret

and I thought how hard it can be -
being a mother
in a world that doesn't value them
in a world that doesn't support them
in a world that leaves them to get on with it without surcease
and I thought, my God
I am so grateful to my mother
in a way I never could have been before

and I thought about that, as I held my own daughter's hand
stroked her hair
kissed my baby in her stroller
and watched another woman erupt with the fury of too many times.

- 29 May 2006

For E, 3 months old

You smile, and your eyes
crinkle at their corners like cellophane
your so-blue, so-large eyes
shining in your baby face like two stars

Now you are laughing, great big belly chuckles
Ha! Ha! Ha! you say, your voice astoundingly potent for one so small
you are delighted with the world as you find it just now
every day surprised and impressed with the beauty in trees, in toys, in our faces
every day bringing you new treasures

Yesterday you discovered wind. Your face
was a picture of amazement as we battled the gusts
your big sister was laughing at the leaves dancing their involuntary dance, and you
thought for a bit
sipped the wind for a bit
then called out "HA!" in the most wonderful voice
the voice of a happy child
the voice of a contented child
the voice of a beloved child who knows she is free to explore the world

When you come to me at night for your milk
the house quiet, dark, still
your father sleeping beside us
your sister asleep in her bed
you open your eyes just long enough to find me, then
you transfix me with your smile
your full-hearted smile, the one you save just for me
then you drink health and rest from my body
sustenance and comfort and peace
and we drift together into that ecstatic sleepiness that passes all understanding

And looking at you
already growing so big
already rolling your body
already responding to everything around you
I feel humble
from me you came, from me you feed, from me you are learning to be in the world
you, and your sister before you, give a shape to my life
carrying you and birthing you and feeding you and raising you
a shape that I like
a me that I can like
being your mother, dear
makes me a fortunate woman
you, dear
are my little pearl-beyond-price.

- 1 September 2005

Summer

The day is warm, overcast. You
are in the yard with your father and I,
I am watching him extract stubborn weeds, while I
and my big pregnant belly look on from the grass.

You are playing with water. Water from the tap, from the hose,
water in your coloured buckets, in your tiny pink plastic watering can
You flip it at the dogs as they come curiously sniffing around you, giggling as they lick it from your hands
Fascinated, you tip it onto the dry ground,
pointing as it casts its fingers of deep brown among the dusty soil
exclaiming, "ahh! ohhh!" as it forms little puddles among the tufts of greenery
You rub your hands among it, bringing them away muddy
patting muddy hands into the dogs' backs, intent on your task while they stand, tails wagging, pleased to be patted
laughing as you upend a bucket on your baggy red pants, soaking them utterly

the sun emerges from behind the clouds. suddenly, it's hotter again
we all turn our faces upwards, cautious of the new heat
your father moves towards the sprinkler system, and with one turn of a switch
our world is overwhelmed with water, yours and mine
I'm soaked to the skin on the grass, as a I run, laughing, for the path
and you
are gasping and half-chuckling and half-confused in the spray
not quite able to see your way out
and you stop, still as stone, and call, "Mama?"
querying, seeking, unsure

and I swoop in to you, pressing you against my chest
here I am, sweetheart
you're sopping! but so is Mama, we will go inside and change, yes?

and you put your head on my shoulder, and smile, and say again, "Mama."
this time so full of trust, so certain
so contented.

what bright blessings, this summer.

- 23 January 2005

A night lovesong

you are such an extravagant sleeper. your arms
flung to the cot rails like the filaments of some strange plant
your cheeks flushed with dreaming heat
your eyes fluttering, lashes trembling against the skin

I stand and I see you
I hear your musing, sighing breath
I watch your night pass

and I am overcome again
every moment as bright as the first

and I wonder at your power
my little and only star
making my heart a supernovae

just dust, we both
at the end
but animate clay for now, and mine
turning to you day and night, waking and sleeping, irrestistably drawn

forever and forever, beautiful sleeper, you have me
my rosy daughter
my little bear-in-blanket
my beloved and loving child

goodnight

- 13 July 2004

For A, 6 months old

You open your mouth in a delicate yawn. Your mouth
is shell-pink and prickled with tiny budding teeth
You reach your arms to me, and I swoop down to you
bundling you in a laughing embrace, and I think - I love you.

You talk to your dolly, earnestly explaining
the mysteries you see around you. So much to learn
to feel, to touch, to taste, to absorb
I am caught in the wonder of your wonder, rapt in the excellence of your newness
proud of your exploration, proud of your selfhood
I look at you and I think - You have blessed me.

The rain falls softly outside and we play inside, safe, dry,
You inch forward, your knees determinedly rocking, hands pushing
With effort and courage you move, and I watch
and think - it is so soon for you to be moving
still towards me, always towards me
Fates whisper at the glass
This too shall pass

but for now, I hold you near,
I hold you warm and close
I enfold you in the best of me
so tiny a person, yet larger than the darkling sky
your potential, your future,
and my love.

- 8 February 2004